smoke break

standing outside. studying for a test. wondering how much material can stick when you are mindlessly reading.

realized that it does have something to do with how much you trust what's internal.

a fleeing thought: this is one of the most important days of my life. i've reached
 new territory. i have seperated myself from new people...and there's no guilty conscience. her test is written in foreign language. my understanding is God-given. i am trusting.

i look to the sky and see the leaves fall. i know that this is one of the most important days of my life. i also know that i will have so many more of these. i've reached new ground. on this ground i stand both humbely and proudly. i have written verses of words to convince myself of these things.

i love myself now. i trust myself. i have put so much evil doubt to rest. i wonder what the leaves falling have to do with where i am...with who i am. i realize that after this strong summer some things will die. i realize that i will never die. i will live on in the path i have choosen. and i realize that this moment is a small story representing my entire lifetime.

i walk back towards the school and i pretend that the door opening represents that time when i'll walk through the gates of heaven. everything is a gift. every color. every person means something very specific for me. God has given me wisdom and the courage to accept that some things die. these lessons shudder through me as i look forward to more of God's love.